A Total Tool of the Right

On April 9, 2011, Pierre Larocque made the declaration that I am a total tool of the right dude! All right, he didn’t say dude. I suppose he thought this would damage his credibility. It just seems like a quote that needs the word dude on the backend of it. His exact quote was: “wow you Are such a total tool of the right…” Pierre Larocque wrote this in reference to the “Glenn Beck transitioned off Fox News” blog that I posted on April 8, 2011.

The question I ask Pierre Larocque is what is a total tool of the right? Is it an individual who unapologetically writes his views on current affairs from the point of view of a conservative? If that is the case, then I am a total tool of the right dude…bra, or whatever you decide to call yourself among your people? If Pierre Larocque, or any of you, are used to conservatives who qualify their statements with whatever makes them more digestible to the mainstream public, then you will want to avoid reading my blogs from this point forward. I’ve thought about putting disclaimers on every blog I write from his point forward for people like Pierre Larocque: “Warning!!! The following post is from a total tool of the right who does not apologize for any of his beliefs. The post is from an individual who will not qualify any of his remarks in any way to make you feel better about yourself, or where he stands on an issue. You can go ahead and question my incredibly arrogant posts if you wish, for I will not call my dissenters foolish plebians who know not the ways of Rilaly. I will not claim intellectual superiority to any neophite that dares to challenge my political objectivity, but I will also not back down when they stand before me with their attempts at challenging my dictums.” I thought about adding that disclaimer on every post, but a friend told me it might send mixed messages.

One of the primary reasons America is in this economic mess it’s in today is that we chose John McCain to be our (I say “our” from the vantage point of being a total tool of the right) candidate. Another reason that we’re in this mess is that John McCain, like Dole in ’96, believed that the key to victory was to go soft. What was it he said ‘flaccidity equals friendship.’ All right, he didn’t say that. I suppose he thought this would damage his credibility. It just seems like a quote that could sum up his campaign.

McCain believed that we Republicans should qualify our statements, that we should strive to be nice guys in the race, and that we shouldn’t say mean things to people. His apparent political strategy was to get Republicans to be more understanding of their opponents, and that that would get people to want to have cocoa and cookies with us. Now I understand that we total tools of the right are not on a ticket. Total tools of the right don’t have to get votes. Tools can just spout off the talking points that they receive via fax, email, overnight courier, morse code, interpretive dance, and via an aria that is sung so sweetly that they become entranced to the point of hynotization, and they begin typing mind-numbed words that they haven’t thought out properly. I also understand that I can think these things, say these things, sing these things in a sweet aria, and write these things, because my livelihood doesn’t depend on it. But when your campaign manager threatens to quit if you say anything that liberals might consider mean, it’s time to get a new campaign manager. It’s time to shred the maverick label and become a total tool of the right and call out your opponent for his faults and defeciencies regardless of what they call you. By that time, McCain had lost his “favorite Republican” status in the media. He should’ve brought out the guns, but he wanted to be remembered as a nice guy who ran a nice campaign. As Vince Lombardi said: “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”

We need candidates that are going to get in the face of these liberals and say, ‘What you are doing is not working.’ We need a politician to say: ‘Okay, enough already. We’ve given your ideas a forty year test run, they’re not working. We’re unemployed, in a record deficit, and being humiliated on the world stage on a daily basis. Step aside please. Let adults with experience on how to run things run the show now.’ The only nice thing my politician would say is, ‘Nice try. You did give it your all. Now step aside. We need to get this America thing cranked up and successful again.’

I think Pierre Larocque thinks that I strive to be open-minded. I’ve had liberals and conservatives make this mistake before. I scoff in their general direction. Conservatives ask me what I disagree with my beloved and betrothed Republican party on. I give them a slap to the face with my white glove, and I say, “How dare ye question the way, the truth, and the light.” When liberals ask me what I disagree with the Republican Party on, they do so from the esteemed position of the open-minded, erudite intellectual. They tell me that I need to be open-minded, not like that racist, sexist, and homophobic pig Rush Limbaugh. They tell me that I should consider points of view other than the Nazi, facist Dick Cheney. They say that the sun didn’t set and rise on the beliefs of Ronald Reagan, and if John Hinkley would’ve aimed inches higher we wouldn’t be stuck with all this hate-filled rhetoric and theoretical hatred. They tell me that if something awful would happen to Hitler’s cousin, Glenn Beck, we would all realize what a beautiful world this world could be, but if I decide to remain a total tool of the right, they tell me, then they might not be able to be my friend or read my blogs. They tell me that I stand as their beacon of what not to say if one wants to be politically objective.

No, I tell the total dudes and total dudettes out there, I am an independent man, and if anyone needs evidence of this, I’ll show you my “Tool of the Right” fight card that I tore up, and had framed, and burned in front of them, until it dissolved into a liquid that we drank while singing sea chantees.


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