Amos Lee


{Disclaimer: The name Amos Lee was arbitrarily chosen to conceal the true identity of the person in this character profile. I have chosen this name, because I do not know an individual that has this name. If there are any individuals that have this name, and they believe that I have damaged their reputation in any manner, please notify me by replying to this post.}

Amos Lee had a profound effect on my life, but my lasting memory of him was one of disappointment. If Amos Lee were nothing more than a quiet, unassuming man, my expectations might never have come into play, but when he went into story mode, he flipped a switch. The man could leave me breathless with anticipation. He created that expectation. He created the problem.

Amos Lee could spin a yarn as well as anyone I’ve ever met. Were any of his stories accurate portrayals of the life he led, I didn’t know at the time, and I didn’t care. Were any of his stories original? I found out later that they were not, but I didn’t care then, and I still don’t. As Mick Jagger once said, it’s the singer not the song.

Amos was an economist of words and delicate with his detail. He didn’t use typical words. He didn’t use big words. There were no flowery descriptions or exclamatory words in Amos’ stories, and the listener was never sure, how they arrived at the emotional reaction they did. His patterns and progressions were all foreign to those of us that expect patterns and typical progressions in stories, and that made his stories even more fascinating.

I was not seven-years-old when he sat me on his lap, and my attention span probably wasn’t what my peers was. I was probably ADD before ADD was cool. I was captivated by this man’s stories though. I don’t know if he was the master storyteller that I recall, or if I was the literary equivalent of a dehydrated man in the desert, dying to hear a quality story. Whatever the case was, his stories captivated me to the point that I could’ve sat on his knee for hours, listening to this man weave a tale. Amos Lee’s stories varied so much that he appeared to have a story for every occasion. He was magic to a young mind seeking knowledge, adventure, and excitement, and every story was better than the last. Then, as if he had been holding his best for last, Amos Lee told me the story of the Purple People Eaters.

The Purple People Eaters were horrifying to the young boy who sat on his lap and listened with wide-eyes. Amos loved that story. His eyes were on fire when he told it. When he told this particular story, he told it as if it was a page from his autobiography. When I would later learn that Amos Lee hadn’t accomplished much in life, I was stunned without realizing why. I now know that it was because the stories he told were so beautiful, precise, and invigorating. The Purple People story was the first story I could remember that left me panting for more, while wanting it to end quick and peaceful at the same time. This was the first time, that young person on his lap learned of the power and glory of a great story.

Those that love a great story drop the word captivating a lot, to the point of cliché, but when Amos Lee told the story of The Purple People Eaters, I was there with him, fighting these monsters. Amos was in his element. He displayed the patience of a gifted storyteller, but he also appeared to struggle with restraint, in the manner quality joke tellers struggle to restrain themselves from progressing to a juicy punch line too quick.

Amos only told the story one time, but by the middle of the story, the young boy on his lap had it memorized.

Amos couldn’t help himself when he got going. He sought reaction, but that wasn’t obvious to his listener. The listener simply thought they were getting reality punched into their heart. Amos would move through the horror of his story with the grace of an Olympic skater. He would punctuate and intone his stories with a mastery that the young boy wouldn’t see again until he was nearly a full-grown adult.

The young precocious person on his lap would ask questions, and Amos would stop and answer almost all of them, but he would refrain from answering those he deemed harmful to the pace and progression of his story. Amos would delve into his imaginary world, until it became too much for the young boy who sat on his lap, and to that reaction Amos grinned.

The grin wasn’t one of a mean-spirited nature, nor was it one of an old man having fun with a youngster. The grin informed the listener of Amos Lee’s passion for the story, but the grin also suggested he loved the young boy’s reaction. He smiled again, after a brief look of fear arose on his listener’s face, until it dawned on him that the story might be too much for a young mind unable to discern the fine line between fantasy and reality. He followed that second smile with a reassurance that The Purple People Eaters were make-believe, and that we had nothing to fear from them, and the young boy believed that as much as he believed the horrifying details of The Purple People Eaters.

The problem was that Amos could create such moments with little effort, and with little effort comes little restraint. The man could cause intense fear and inner peace in the space of a few sentences. He could leave a child dizzy with emotion in the stories he told and in the sympathy, he showed afterwards, but the eventual truth of Amos Lee would arrive when that young boy wanted to hear more than Amos Lee was able to deliver. Amos was old by the time this young boy entered his life. He was up in years, but he was far older than his years. He had spent too much time sitting by himself, sleeping, and in all other ways aging at a rate greater than an active man would. He enjoyed telling his stories, but he enjoyed sitting on his couch smoking a pipe, and sleeping, more.

At one point, the glorious stories reached a conclusion, and so did Amos Lee. Amos Lee  expected this young boy to climb off his knee and go play marbles. After hearing what he considered the greatest story ever told the young boy considered this request unreasonable. He wanted more. He wanted to spend the rest of the weekend, if not the rest of his life, listening to these stories.  

Amos was done though, and when the young boy argued with Amos Lee that he did not want this moment to end, Amos Lee’s wife would enter into the room to whisk the young boy off his grandfather’s knee to participate in whatever she could dream up to fulfill Amos Lee’s need. The young boy would argue with her, as she would play the role of the villain in this story. The young boy would tell her that he didn’t want to do whatever she had dreamed up to give Amos his space. He would tell her that he didn’t want it to end, and he would blame her for ending it. The young boy couldn’t get enough of these stories, but Amos could, and she knew it.

Amos Lee’s stories taught lessons without the condescension the young boy expected from adults telling such stories. Amos Lee also told the stories in a direct manner, without the customary, adult lesson voice, and he didn’t have the follow up lines one normally uses in lessons to display the idea that the storyteller knows something the listener doesn’t.

Amos Lee never patted this young boy on the head and told him that everything was going to be okay, but in Amos Lee’s company, everything was. This young man believed that if he had any questions about how the world worked, Amos Lee would be his go to man. The young boy was confused about the world, and he experienced some confusion with just about everyone he encountered. In the company of Amos Lee, however, everything seemed to make sense, and that which confused the young man seemed to lock into place.

I remember being quite precocious, but I might not have been as precocious as I remember, until I sat on the knee of Amos Lee, my grandfather. Amos Lee had an unusual talent for tapping into something that inspired thoughts in me that I never would have arrived at on my own. He also said some things that were plainly obvious, but something about the way he said them made me think I had never considered it before. He appeared to have answers to questions I hadn’t even thought of yet, and he could do it all in the space of three to four sentences. For the first time, at that early point in my life, it all started to make sense. The confusion that dominates young minds, moved away, if just for a second, like a cloud moving to reveal a bright Sun. It was my first experience with that form of euphoria, and I never wanted it to end, but Amos Lee wasn’t able to fulfill the expectations I had for him, or he didn’t want to fulfill them. I write the latter as a full-fledged adult that now knows the ways of childhood adoration, and the tiresome task of continuing to live up to it. I know that some of the times an adult cannot live up to the expectations a young child has for him, and I know that some of the times an adult just doesn’t want to do that.

“You can’t do that!” I wanted to say to Amos Lee. “You can’t just sit there in your chair, smoking a pipe. You’re too important.” I couldn’t tell him that, for doing so would’ve revealed to both of us what a disappointment he was to me. I couldn’t tell him what kind of man I thought he was when he wasn’t around, or what type of man I thought he could be. I had to just sit there and realize that I was the powerless little kid in our conversations. I was on his schedule, and I had to wait until he felt like indulging me.

I cried, as all children will, when I learned that my grandfather’s story was over, but there was something different about these tears. I couldn’t properly define the feelings of emptiness I had at that young age. I couldn’t understand why I thought all hope was lost, and I couldn’t understand why I was crying as hard as I was, but I do remember thinking that life would never be normal for me ever again. I remember this day that my mom pulled the car off to the side of the road to inform me of Amos Lee’s death as if it were a week ago.  

I wept with the basic idea that I would never be able to speak with him again, that I would never be able to mow the lawn with him again, and that I would never be able to spend another moment on his lap, listening to him weave a master tale. I also wept with the irrational belief that that my sole source of wisdom and reason was gone, and that my life would seem a little more random and chaotic in the aftermath. I cried with the notion that I would be left to my own devices without him, or that those that took the reins were novices by comparison. I also wept over the fact that Amos Lee would never have the opportunity to live up to the hype he had generated in the mind of one eager, perhaps precocious, young mind that Amos had never taken the time to live up to. I also learned another lesson: If you are going to generate hype in the mind of a young one, you should do your best to live up to it, as exhausting as that can be. 

Flash Fiction: Mainframe


Wikipedia defines Flash Fiction as a style of fictional literature or fiction of extreme brevity. The word count varies, but I choose to think of it as anything below 300 words. I choose to think of flash fiction as a simple entertaining piece with no preface, no description, and no character development. I choose to think of flash fiction as one scene that makes you laugh. I now welcome you to the world of flash fiction.

Mainframe

“What I’m trying to tell you is,” continues Mark, “that this feeling that I’m getting it…it just ain’t right.”

“We all go through this at different points in our lives Mark,” says his older friend Lucas. “I wouldn’t stay up at night worrying about it.”

“I think I’m changing though.”

“We’re all changing my friend,” Lucas says. He can’t help but laugh at his friend’s earnest theatrics. “It’s called the cycle of life.”

“It’s not the cycle of life,” Mark said with exasperation, “you don’t understand.”

“I understand, my friend, it’s called midlife. Our lives and our bodies change as we get older. There are some who say that we change dramatically in ten year cycles. Are you the same person you were ten years ago?”

“No.”

“Of course not, when we reach the midlife stage things change on us. The same way our bodies change during puberty, and when these changes hit us we all think that it’s completely unique to us. It’s not though, and if you need me to help you through it, let me know.”

“All right then, let me show you what I’m talking about,” Mark said as he pulled out his johnson. He did it with a red face and a great deal of moaning.

“Good God man,” Lucas said shielding his eyes and turning away quickly, “what are we doing here?”

“No, look.”

“I don’t want to see-”

“LOOK!” Mark called out in a pained cry.

Lucas’ eyes popped wide when he saw what appeared to be an electromagnetic emission flowing from his friend’s penis. “Maybe you should get that looked at.”

Scat Mask Replica (20)


1)  I never noticed how profoundly TV affects the culture, until I stopped watching it as often. I now hear people repeating common phrases I’ve never heard before. I hear people laughing at the same jokes, gesticulating and posturing in similar ways when they tell jokes, and they may start laughing at jokes others tell before the joke is even finished. They seem to know the same stories and the same jokes. They seem to have the same rhythm to their jokes, and they all land on the same note when they hit their punch line. It gives us all comfort to hear a story or a joke that we know, and to know where it’s headed. Our brain rewards us with a shot of dopamine when we figure out the pattern of a story, joke, or song before it’s concluded. Dopamine makes us feel good for a moment, so we all watch the same TV shows and listen to the same songs over and over again, because we know where they’re headed, and we hang out with people who say “okay, right” and tell the same jokes in the same manner and land on the punch line in the same note, because they make us feel intelligent and funny and we get our dopamine rewards, and we couldn’t do it without them, because we are the complex species who need companionship.

trout2) Movie studios spend big money to put attractive people in movie roles, and we pay big money to watch them walk and talk with one another on screen. It’s not about being gorgeous, however, because audiences often spend time trying to spot the flaws in the flawless. Those who appear on screens most often have a quality about them that we enjoy watching for 90 minutes. Part of this quality is beauty, but another part of it is that elusive, indefinable “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it” quality.

3) As a ten year old, I was able to fool most of the adults most of the time. I played the role of the innocent child who didn’t know any better. More often than not, I did know better. My peers knew that, but the adults were bent on understanding me better and being sympathetic. My fellow ten-year-olds would scoff in my general direction. We adults should be scoffing, but we don’t. We don’t because we want to be viewed as intelligent and sympathetic individuals. We want to understand criminals, but more than that we want to be seen as individuals who are trying to understand. We don’t want to believe in absolutes. We say there are no absolutes, and this makes us feel like our structures are complex. Maybe there aren’t any absolute 100% truths, but isn’t a truth that is true 50.1% of the time enough to act on? The ten-year-old mind deals more in absolutes than the progressive, complex mind of the adult, but there are times when the absolutes are a lot closer to the truth.

4) I had a friend who described himself as “very sincere some of the times.” How can one be “very sincere” some of the times? I can see how a person would be very sincere about some things and insincere about others, but how can one characterize themselves as very sincere some of the times in a general manner?

5) There is a struggle in every mind to be intellectual. There is also a resultant struggle to be perceived as an intellectual. Unfortunately, many forego the internal struggle of the latter and place too much value in the latter.

6) I’m toilet trained, but every once in a while I imagine what I would look like if I suckled breasts as big as mountains. Would I have crooked teeth and mongoloid eyes?

7) Some people complain that they have no choice in life. This is a fallacy, for the most part, but they lean on this to explain why they are not doing what they want to do in life. If it is true, in the present, the only reason they have no choice is because of the decisions they made in the past. This is true of most people, and you are not an exception to this rule.

8) Relaxing the mind during the respites of relaxation reserved for artistic venues (i.e. movies) can produce a Chinese water torture effect. What starts out as meaningless drips hitting your forehead can incrementally evolve into accepting ideas that we would not otherwise consider.

9) I’ve tried being one of those guys that changed his underwear every day. It never got me anywhere.

10) If all theory is based on autobiography, then what does it say about those who pose theories on why and how people think. On that note, what’s the most terrifying motive for slaughtering a bunch of people: nothing. We search for motive, because we need a motive, and the thought that a person could do kill people for the thrill of the kill might prevent us from leaving the home as often as we do.

11) I walk into a department store and I see aisles upon aisles of things I’ll never need, yet some of them are red and sparkly. I wonder if these products could change my life. What will happen if I don’t purchase this latest, greatest, and top of the line product that has resulted in happiness and peace on earth for those who weren’t afraid to purchase now at a new, low price. Would my stubborn decision not to purchase such products result in me being forever portrayed in black and white, with a miserable face that results in complete anguish and a degree of dissatisfaction in life that the rest of the human species was in before they decided to indulge in this incredible convenience. I need to be in color again. I need to be the guy in the after picture with a smile so bright he doesn’t mind the backbreaking work of this task anymore. This guy in black and white suggests a certain nutrient depletion that I simply can’t go back to. Look at the scowls that guy makes as he works with the product that has served me well for so many years. Was I ever that miserable? I don’t want to be miserable anymore. Look at that guy. He looks like the most miserable guy since that feller that had his chest picked at by the bird in Greek mythology.

12) Pet peeve: People who quote Hollywood stars and give that star sole credit for that quote. “You know it’s like Jack Nicholson says …” If that quote came from a movie, I want to say, it’s likely that quote wasn’t a Nicholson creation. More often than not, it was a line a screenwriter wrote for him. The primary reason this bothers me –other than the fact that few put any effort into finding the actual writer of that quote, and even fewer will give that writer the credit he has earned– is that when a naïve, moronic star (not Nicholson) says something political, we listen. Why do we listen to them, because if that star is smart enough, or lucky enough, or in the right place at the right time often enough, he can compile enough lines over time to achieve a certain degree of credibility with us that he can take off screen with him. After they deliver enough of these lines, over the years in movies and TV, our conditioning might be such that we believe that these stars are smart based on lines written for them by other people.

13) Some people look at total strangers and think they’re total idiots. Others look at total strangers and think they have life all figured out. I got a little secret for you though. Something that may change your life: Most of us aren’t looking back at you. Most of us don’t care about you. So, move on. Live your life and deal with it as it is. Quit worrying if anyone’s impressed with you or onto you. We don’t care about you, or what you think about us. 

14) One of the worst things Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David brought to the American conversation is the hygienic conversation. I heard these conversations sporadically before Seinfeld hit the air, but in the aftermath of the great show it seems every fifth conversation I hear involves the minutiae of cleanliness. People now proudly proclaim to their friends that they not only wash their hands, but they use a paper towel to open the door. “Oh, I know it!” their listener proclaims proudly. “It’s gross!” I have less of a problem with clean freaks. They can get out of hand, but it’s hard to find fault with the general principle of trying to be as clean as one can be. It’s the nonstop conversations we have about it that gets under my skin? Last week, I saw two fellas form a friendship on the basis that they both used disposable paper towels to open public bathroom doors. They both respected one another’s bathroom ethics, and they are now friends. It’s all a little silly at some point.

15) Another aspect of life we waste a lot of conversational time on is cell phones. We talk about our cell phone plans in a competitive manner. We talk about the ‘Gigs’ on our cell phone, the time it takes us to pull information off the web, the portability, the horrors of our prior plan, the ease with which we can text, and the apps our service offers, and we do it all with personal pride. We tell our peers that our phones are superior, as if we had something to do with their creation. We may not know where we stand on the various totem poles of life, and we may still have no idea what Nietzsche was going on about, but we know that our cell phone is superior to yours, and some of the times that’s enough.

16) Talking head types love to be unconventional as long as it ticks off the right people. I’ve always thought there was something conventionally unconventional about that.

17) I’ve always wanted to have a name like Bert Hanratty. When I do something wrong, my boss could scream: “Hanratty!” I would then walk to the boss’s desk like a 70’s sitcom star who is always messing things up in a comical way. My current name last name has two syllables in it, and there’s nothing funny about two syllables.

18) The anti-religious don’t have to think objectively, for they are objectivity personified by the fact that they are objectively objective.

19) What would you do if you scratched an itch on the back of your neck, and your hand came back with a tiny screaming alien on it? What would you do if another alien was perched on your other shoulder, and that alien said: “Quit living your life in preparation of disaster.”

20) The other day I laughed at the antics of our local radio show’s morning program. Scared the hell out of me. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and I confirmed that I was, in fact, laughing. I cannot remember what it was that caused the laughter, but whatever it was I hurried up and shut the damn thing off. I picked up Finnegans Wake and read a few pages. This is my usual punishment for enjoying the idiotic humor of zany morning radio stars.