Tag: astronomy

Mathematics and Telescopes: The Triumph of Neptune’s Discoverers

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“Neptune was the first planet to be discovered through mathematical equations, as opposed to astronomical observations.”

Wait, before we continue, think about that for a second. A man, or two men, or three, used the data of the day, a pencil, paper and nothing more than their brains to declare that a planet should be … right there! Let that sink for a moment. 

Five of the planets were discovered by humans looking up, and we’ve been doing that for so long, thousands of years that someone would’ve eventually gone on the historical record to say, “I have just discovered a planet.” Was that impressive, well there is documented evidence that early civilizations in Babylonia looked up and said, “That right there, ain’t no star. That’s a damn planet” as far back as 1,000 BC. Actually, Teddy, we always knew that was there, you just beat us all to the historically documented record. 

When Sir William Herschel discovered a planet we now call Uranus on March 13, 1781 with his trusty telescope, and his further observations found that it wasn’t a comet, but a planet, they all thought he made one whale of a discovery, but if everyone had telescopes at that point, we could say Sir Herschel just beat everyone else to the historical record. Whatever the case, Sir Herschel was given credit for discovering the end of the universe. There was one problem, the astronomical community could not plot point Uranus’ positions based on mathematical projections. Every other planet had very specific orbital points that they would hit, based on the gravitational laws of the universe, otherwise known as Newton’s laws. Those planets pushed and pulled on each other to keep themselves in line. This new planet, that we now call Uranus, was all over the place, and its orbital pattern, or its projected plot points, made no sense.

Using all of the pre-discovery data, Astronomer Alexis Bouvard made seventy-seven projections on where Uranus should be, but his fellow astronomers called him out. Based on their observations, they found that all of his projections were wrong. Recognizing his errors, after the tables of his projections were published worldwide, the confused Bouvard initially blamed the pre-discovery data, but when that didn’t satisfy him or the astronomical community, Bouvard came up with a theory called “A Perturbing Force.”

My guess is that the astronomical community initially greeted the perturbing force theory as an excuse Alexis Bouvard made for his inaccuracies. “Alex, my guy, just admit it, you were wrong. We all know you’re a genius, but we’re dealing with the unknown here. Maybe you should just admit that you were wrong and move on.”

Here, we have to have some sympathy for Bouvard, as we can only guess that he pined for months and years to come up with these tables. We can guess that he said something along the lines of, “Hey, I didn’t just throw this stuff out there. These were precise projections based on all the data I had at my disposal, coupled with the laws Sir Isaac Newton. I wouldn’t just guess and then publish those guesses to subject myself to this level of humiliation. There’s something more here, something we need to study.” Bouvard further suggested something that probably furthered his abuse among his peers in the astronomical community. He suggested that this perturbing force could quite possibly be another planet. Then, he submitted that proposal that Uranus might not be the end of the universe to the Paris Observatory, but unfortunate for the legacy of Alexis Bouvard, the astronomer who received that request for a follow up left soon after Bouvard submitted that request for further findings.

Furthering the unfortunate nature of Bouvard’s legacy, Alexis died before anyone would substantiate his projections and the idea that it had to be a perturbing force gravitationally pulling and pushing Uranus off what should have been precise data points dictating its orbit. Thus, we can only guess that Alexis Bouvard probably died believing himself a failure, or at the very least that everything he accomplished in life ended with a huge stain, in the form of an exclamation point, on his legacy.

Even though Alexis Bouvard never found a workaround to nature taking his life, his idea of a perturbing force remained. Skeptics of the day argued that because Bouvard’s projections relied on Isaac Newton’s theories, Bouvard’s inaccurate projections exposed the flaws in Newton’s theories.

Mathematicians, like John Couch Adams, insisted that Newton’s theories were sound and after studying Bouvard’s projections, they believed they should’ve been true. Adams was young, twenty-four-years-old, old enough to know the laws of nature, and all the laws and bylaws his peers developed to explain the universe, but he was still young enough to think they were all wrong. He thought he could use Bouvard’s projections, and all of the data Bouvard compiled, coupled with Newton’s laws to deduce the mass, position, and orbit of this perturber Bouvard theorized. Couch Adams then devoted four years of his life to study, calculate, and project where a possible perturber could be, and he submitted those four years of work to the esteemed British Astronomer Royal George Biddell Airy.

Biddell Airy was understandably skeptical of Adams’ findings, as the mathematician submitting them was such a young pup. We can also guess that Airy was wary of placing his esteemed stamp of approval on Adams’ findings without further evidence. He decided to press Adams for more detailed computations. Unfortunate to the legacy of John Couch Adams he did not respond, some suggest that this failure to respond was due to Adams’s unprofessional demeanor, his nerves, procrastination, or the idea that Adams may not have had those detailed computations. Whatever the case was, Couch Adams’s failure to respond in a timely manner cost him sole credit for the discovery of the planet Neptune.    

Some suggest that Frenchman, Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier, was unaware of John Couch Adams work, his subsequent submission, and his failure to complete the work, but Le Verrier was very aware of Alexis Bouvard’s life’s work. He paid particular attention to Bouvard’s “perturbing force”, and it fascinated him. He thought he could find the missing link, and he thought he did. He first sent his findings to the French Academy of Sciences in Paris, but due to bureaucratic inertia and a lack of proactive observation, the Academy did not follow up. They did not reject Le Verrier’s math, however, as they found it rigorous, but his findings did not translate into instant acceptance as a confirmed discovery because to them it remained theoretical until it could be observed. The Academy later stated that they had “other concerns” that precluded them from making such observations, and they claimed that they lacked the capacity to follow up with the level of immediacy Le Verrier demanded. Whatever the case, Le Verrier basically said if you’re not going to do it, I’ll find someone who will, and he submitted his edited findings to Johann Gottfried Galle at the Berlin Observatory on September 18, 1846. Berlin had a powerful new refractor telescope and a more agile response, partly because Galle and his assistant Heinrich d’Arrest were eager to test the hypothesis.

Galle confirmed Le Verrier’s detailed calculations, and they confirmed the  existence of the planet we now know as Neptune on September 23, 1846, but they added that Le Verrier was one degree off. Here we reach another “think about it, before we move on” moment. Le Verrier took Alexis Bouvard’s precise projections, based on pre-discovery data, and he joined Bouvard’s mathematical calculations on his errors, coupled with some theoretical notion of a perturbing force, pushing and pulling Uranus off what should have been its normal orbit, and declared that Neptune should be right there! And those calculating his math, nothing more than math(!), found that he was one degree off! [Note: The international astronomy community eventually decided to settle the international dispute by giving credit to both the British Adams and the French Urbain for Neptune’s discovery, even though Adams unofficially discovered it first.] Astronomy.com also states that “Adams [eventually] completed his calculations first, but Le Verrier published first. Le Verrier’s calculations were also more accurate.” The lesson here for you kids looking to submit astronomical findings to a governing body, when they approach you for detailed calculations to support your astronomical findings make sure you either respond immediately, or maybe you should have your detailed calculations ready before declaring your findings. 

Neptune is not visible by the naked eye, and this, coupled with the technological limitations of the time, forced the brightest minds in astronomy, physics, and mathematics to base their theoretical predictions and findings on the celestial mechanics of Isaac Newton theories, and this idea that the entire universe existed on universally accepted mathematical principles.

Anytime we discuss a first, we encounter the eventuality of someone discovering something eventually. In doing so, we undermine the definition of smart, creative, and ingenious. Some of us might be too easily impressed by knowledge in an arena for which we are basically neanderthals. Yet, how can anyone not be impressed that a man, or two men, or three men in total, used relatively basic theory, combined with data points, and a vague supposition to mathematically project that due to the irregular movements of one body in the universe is acting so unusual that it must be acting or reacting to another body in such a way that it has to be … right there, only to find out that they are one degree off. We can only guess that in the intervening twenty-four to twenty-five years, between Bouvard’s guess and Adams and Le Verrier’s confirmation, there were hundreds of guesses submitted to observatories, and they were all wrong.

Were all of those theoretical guesses wrong, or were they, as P Andrew Karam, at Encyclopedia.com states, simply the result of bad timing? “The discovery of Neptune proved more a remarkable coincidence than a testimony to mathematical prowess.

“Leverrier’s and Adams’s solutions for Neptune’s orbit were incorrect. They both assumed Neptune to lie further from the sun than it actually does, leading, in turn, to erroneous calculations of Neptune’s actual orbit. In fact, while the calculated position was correct, had the search taken place even a year earlier or later, Neptune would not have been discovered so readily and both Leverrier and Adams might well be unknown today except as historical footnotes. These inaccuracies are best summarized by a comment made by a Scientific American editor:”

“Leverrier’s planet in the end matched neither the orbit, size, location or any other significant characteristic of the planet Neptune, but he still garners most of the credit for discovering it.”

“It is also worth noting that, after Neptune’s mass and orbit were calculated, they turned out to be insufficient to account for all of the discrepancies in Uranus’s motion and, in turn, Neptune appeared to have discrepancies in its orbit. This spurred the searches culminating in Pluto’s discovery in 1930. However, since Pluto is not large enough to cause Neptune and Uranus to diverge from their orbits, some astronomers speculated the existence of still more planets beyond Pluto. Hence, Pluto’s discovery, too, seems to be more remarkable coincidence than testimony to mathematical prowess. More recent work suggests that these orbital discrepancies do not actually exist and are due instead to plotting the planets’ positions on the inexact star charts that existed until recently.”

The two of them got lucky in Karam’s words. They made 19th Century errors that we can now fact-check with our modern technology, and we can now say that they timed their findings at a most opportune time in Neptune’s orbit. Yet, whatever “remarkable coincidences” occurred, it turns out Adams’ and Leverrier’s “calculated position [proved] correct”. 

“The remarkable coincidences” answers the question why so many previous theoretical submissions were incorrect, rejected, or couldn’t be observed by observatories and thus verified between Bouvard’s initial theory in 1821 and Leverrier’s detailed calculations of the positioning of the planet later named Neptune.

As with any story of this type, some of us wonder what happened between the lines? Have you ever been so obsessed with something that you couldn’t function on a normal human level? Have you ever been so obsessed with something that you didn’t enjoy food, drink, or any of the other fundamental joys of life the way you did before? Have you ever been so obsessed that you couldn’t sleep at night, and routine, mundane conversations with your friends seemed so routine and mundane that you can’t bear them, until you resolve the one problem that haunts you. How many accomplished individuals in their respective fields sacrificed dating, marrying, and having a family to their focus their existence on being the one to find the answer to the perturbing body theory? We can talk about fame, and fortune, and all that, but if you’re genuinely obsessed, you reach a tipping point where those things become nothing more than a byproduct to working through the question to find the answer on your own. In instances such as these, even a level of historical fame pales in comparison to the personal satisfaction we feel by finding the answer. 

Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier

Whatever the case was, we can comfortably guess that Adams and Le Verrier didn’t submit the first predictions. We can find fault in Le Verrier’s projections, but we should remember that he was providing an educated guess that a planet one billion miles away from Uranus, and 2.7 billion miles away from him on Earth existed. The observatory asked him for detailed calculations, he provided them, and the observatory used those calculations to spot Neptune. I consider that a point blank exclamation mark at the end of this discussion.

Yet, whenever we discuss the idea that .25% of the population, or one in 400, are geniuses, and we publicly marvel at their accomplishments, some ninny comes along and drops the ever-annoying, “It would’ve eventually been discovered by someone, somewhere.” When we express exhaustion, they add, “What? It’s a planet, a planet that is roughly four times larger than Earth. Someone would’ve eventually spotted it.” 

As much as we loathe such dismissals, it appears to be true in this case. If P Andrew Karam is correct, and we have no reason to doubt him, Adams and Leverrier were the first to submit right place, right time predictions that due to “a remarkable coincidence” could be verified due to the timing of their submissions.

It also bothers those of us who enjoy marveling at genius to hear things like, “Some guys are just smarter than others. I know some smart guys who say some smart things.” That’s true too, of course, but some are geniuses, and some of us love nothing more than dissecting, refuting, and demystifying the notions of their genius. Were John Couch Adams and Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier geniuses who figured something out that no one else could, or were they right-time, right place opportunists? No matter what Karam writes about their errors, he admits the “calculated position was correct”. 

John Couch Adams

Le Verrier’s calculated position was also derived without the benefit of James Webb or Hubble telescopes, and he and Adams did not know the nuclear-powered space probes that could confirm theoretical guesses on the molecular composition of the lakes on Saturn’s moon Titan. They also did not have the advantage provided by Voyager Spacecraft visits, of course. They had Isaac Newton’s laws of motion and gravitation, the idea of celestial mechanics from Johannes Kepler, some comparatively archaic technology, and a pencil and paper.  

With our modern technology, we can now correct the mistakes of the past. This is the way it should be, of course, but we should refrain from diminishing past accomplishments or inherently claiming superior intelligence now. We might know more now thanks to the brilliance of our greatest technological toys, but most of us had nothing to do with building that technology. We’re just the beneficiaries of it. We now have the advantage of all of these marvelous gadgets and tools at our disposal to fact-check prior “geniuses”, but does that mean that the brilliant minds of the past weren’t geniuses? We can talk about how some of the theories don’t stand up, but think about how many physicists, astronomers, mathematicians, and general theorists of yesteryear developed theories, without the advantage of the accumulated knowledge we’ve gathered since, that do? 

Some of the geniuses of yesteryear turned out to be wrong, of course, and some of them were right-place, right-time opportunists who discovered things first, but before you say “Someone, somewhere would’ve discovered it” remember the guys who mathematically predicted the existence of Neptune, probably road a horse to work on a dirt road, if they were lucky enough and rich enough to own a horse, and their definition of the heart of the city was often just a bunch of wooden store fronts, like the recreations we see on the old HBO show Deadwood. Most of what these 19th century astronomers and mathematicians saw in the nighttime sky is what we can see by stepping outside and looking up into the sky. They had some technological assistance back then, in the form of relatively weak telescopes, and some theorize that astronomers, like Galileo Galilei in 1613, Jerome Lalande in 1795, and John Herschel in 1830 may have used it to spot Neptune first, but they didn’t know they were seeing a planet, because their telescopes were not powerful enough for them to know that. Those of us who write articles about such topics and the geniuses who made ingenious discoveries or theories that proved slightly incorrect or somewhat flawed should asterisk our critiques by saying, “I am smart. No, really I am, really, really smart, but as ingenious as I am, I don’t know if I could’ve done what they did with the primitive technology they had, primitive when compared to ours. So, before I go about correcting and critiquing their findings with the technology I have at my disposal, thanks to those who developed it for me, I’d like to say how impressive it is that they came so close that it’s impressive that they did what they did with what they had.”

Scorpio Man III: Everything Has Changed

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“The axis of the Earth has changed,” NASA stated in a NASA blog post, and they remind us that there is, was, and always will be a thirteenth constellation called Ophiucus. NASA declared that these recent findings require a change in date ranges in the astrological signs, as we know them. They label this a correction. I declare it a miracle, the 9/26/2016 miracle, because it has brought about an end to my suffering. As of that date, I no longer have to worry about some nosy busybody badgering me for my date of birth, and I no longer have to lie when they do. I am no longer a man born under the sign ruled by Mars the god of war and Pluto the god of the underworld. The prejudicial preconceptions people have of those born under the Scorpio ecliptic no longer apply to me. I no longer have to endure those who claim to sense a murderous, dark force within me, and I no longer have to endure the Scorpio Man Evolvement courses to keep those inclinations at bay. I no longer have to partake in Ms. Edgeworth’s in-group sessions, nor do I have to take the pharmaceuticals or participate in the Emotional Support Animal program that Ms. Maria Edgeworth prescribed to help me deal with the emotional trauma I’ve dealt with as a result. It’s all over for me now, as of 9/26/2016, a day that shall live in infamy for me, for the realignment of the stars declare me a perfectly balanced specimen of a man, a man of partnership, equality, justice, and objectivity man. By the powers vested in NASA, I am free now. I am Libra Man.

I don’t know if the annual Scorpio Man entries on this topic, over the last three years, appeared contrived. They weren’t. After discovering the dark powers that drive me, I decided to post a complaint about the prejudicial treatment I endured from those who insist that men born when the Sun was in the Scorpio ecliptic are the incarnation of a dark force. My intention, in that first testimonial, was to try to change minds about men born under the sign of Scorpio, and to try to spread awareness that I hoped might lead to a national conversation on the matter. The second testimonial was an unplanned report on the progress I made to that point in my Scorpio Man Evolvement courses. After rereading that second installment, I gather that some might assume I enjoyed the process. To those people I ask, have you ever heard of the Stockholm syndrome? For those who haven’t, it involves the idea that one develops feelings of trust, and in some cases affection for their captors. In writing such a thing, I do not intend to minimize those who are actually kidnapped, or in any way held against their will, but I harbored some feelings of being unable to escape my plight while appreciating the efforts my captors put forth to set me free.

Every time I entered Mrs. Edgeworth’s office I did so voluntarily, and I followed my girlfriend, Faith Anderson’s wishes to do so. I felt trapped by this idea that I wanted people to like me, and from what I could see, they didn’t. Some were even afraid of me. I understand that some people might fear any grown man, while alone with them in an elevator, but I am not a tall man, nor am I larger than the average male. I don’t know if these reactions to me subsided and I missed it, or if my Scorpio Man characteristics flared as I aged, but prior to this recent phenomenon, I’ve never tried to intimidate another person my whole life. Even when it served a purpose, I’ve never been able to intimidate people. It might be my fair skin, or my baby blue eyes, but no one considered me an intimidating presence before the last couple of years. I intended this testimonial to be a laundry list of complaints regarding the lack of progress I made to that point in the Scorpio Man Evolvement, but the tiny, little NASA miracle rendered all of those complaints moot. I feel for those few who continue to endure the plight of the Scorpio Man, and I have empathy for those forced to endure the toxic climate created over the last 2,000 years, but I am no longer one of them, and I officially bid them adieu.

As an industrious, self-driven man, I don’t often admit despair, but a feeling of powerless overwhelmed me in the last couple of years. The forces that sought to ostracize, impugn, and relegate others to some sort of generalization can be so powerful that it is difficult for the subject to defeat internally and otherwise.

My Natural Psychologist, Ms. Maria Edgeworth informed me that my progress toward the enlightenment that awaited me in second stage of Scorpio Evolution, The Eagle Totem stage, was exemplary.

As these testimonials illustrate, she said that to me many times. The last time she said it to me, I said, “If this is progress, then you’ll have to define the word for me.” I informed her that I felt great about myself, and her suggestions of progress, while in our sessions, “but the minute I walk out that door, it’s one step forward two steps back.” I told her that young children and women continue to flee when I exposed myself to their opinions. Then the lovely Faith dumped me based on my inability to confront my pre-existing limitations, and she stated that my failure to transmute and evolve past them suggested that I had not made the commitments necessary for spiritual growth.

What I didn’t tell Ms. Edgeworth, because I couldn’t summon the courage to say it to her, or anyone else, was that I saw Faith with someone else days later, and I suspected that the true nature of our breakup was more self-serving than Faith would ever admit. Regardless why we broke up, I found myself feeling as alone as I did the day I started the evolvement courses and their subsequent group sessions.

Ms. Edgeworth considered our breakup a traumatic episode that could impede my progress, and she suggested that I might need temporary, emotional, and external support to give me the strength necessary to get back on the road to progress. Ms. Edgeworth prescribed what she called an Emotional Support Animal (ESA). I heard of the ESA program, I saw dogs in airports and restaurants, and I knew about their attachments to the program, but I told her that I was skeptical about that program in general. She countered with scientific data, and I said “I’m sure it works for those in desperate need, but I am not in desperate need.”

“How would we characterize our relationship with pets?” Mrs. Edgeworth asked me. “There are some elements of that relationship that are very complex, but if we break it down to its simplest constructs, they’re our friends. I wouldn’t want to limit anyone’s definition of what a pet is, as my Gordon has provided my life so much more than mere companionship. He’s my friend. To a person like you, who has never had a relationship with a pet, I think someone like Gordon might fulfill some of your more basic needs, even if only temporarily.”

Call me superficial, excessively male, or whatever you want, but I’ve always had such a difficult time arguing with Ms. Edgeworth, because of her beauty. Not only was she one of the more attractive women I’ve ever met, but she was having a great day on that Tuesday. I don’t know if it was the moisturizers she used, or if she had a great workout the day before, but her skin was glistening more than usual on that morning. She was having a great hair day, and the cardigan sweater she wore contrasted her olive skin so well that if she ever sat for a painting, I would tell her to wear that sweater for the sitting.  

Although Ms. Edgeworth knew that she didn’t have to put forth much effort to get average fellas like me to bend to her will, she  provided me further details of the success of this program. She pulled up a webpage on her iPad that documented first person testimonials of the benefits the ESA program provided those suffering from what Ms. Edgeworth called similar, post-traumatic stress disorders (PTSDs). While I read the testimonials on that webpage, she added, “I have been doing so much research on this program, and I encourage you to do the same,” she said. “When you do, you’ll see that it’s such a valuable resource to those suffering in the manner you are. I love the program so much that I put my own dog in it.

“Gordon is a 173-pound Newfoundland,” she continued, “so his size might intimidate some, but he is just about the sweetest dog I’ve ever met, and I’ve had dogs, as companions, since I was about twelve.” She paused here. She spoke in the manner she always did when she was about to open a wound. “I think the companionship Gordon could provide you will prove beneficial. I suggest you try him out for a weekend. You can take him places now. The laws in this state have changed. I’m sure you’ve seen dogs in airports and restaurants. You’ve said sitting alone in restaurants makes you feel lonely, and now that you and Faith have broken up I think Gordon can help you. You try it out. Just for a weekend. You tell me what you think.”

I deferred to Ms. Edgeworth’s abilities as a Natural Psychologist, and I fell under the spell of her smile, her eyes, and that skin, but I had no idea the expense involved until she handed me the breakdown. The state changed their laws, as she suggested, but these new ESA laws required the prospective participant write a therapy letter that required a mental health professional evaluation. The law also required that each individual patient purchase an ESA test. An ESA travel kit is also required, regardless if the prospective participant plans to travel or not, and this includes the registration card and a survival guide. On top of that, I had to pay Ms. Edgeworth’s rental fees, and I had to pay for the high-priced food that Gordon eats. Ms. Edgeworth was kind enough to provide the necessary evaluation of my therapy letter at her customary hourly fee, and she said she could provide the various other products I would need at her price structure. I probably should’ve been more skeptical when she placed the bill before me, but I was in such a desperate place at that time in my life that I considered Gordon a light at the end of my dark, lonely tunnel.

I wasn’t sure what to expect of Gordon, but when I met him days later, I was giddy. The thought that the sanctioned companionship of this dog might help me progress through mental health channels was such that I thought he might change my life.

As Ms. Edgeworth warned, Gordon’s size was intimidating, but his almost comically sad face and the very sweet disposition countered that. I laughed when I saw him. “This is silly,” I said laughing. “You were right, he is enormous, but he looks harmless too. But, this just seems so silly.”

“Is it silly?” she asked, “or is it so silly that it could work?” She paused here. “We’ve tried everything else, who are we to say that the companionship, and the responsibility inherent in sustaining a pet on a daily basis might help you achieve some level of distance from self that provides healing properties.”

“Maybe,” I said, looking Gordon in the eyes. I laughed again, “But it still seems so silly. I mean look at him. He’s an oaf.”

“An oaf?” she asked. She laughed with me. “He does have oafish qualities, but he’s a beautiful oaf, you have to admit that. Look at him. Tell me he’s not beautiful.” 

We were laughing throughout this exchange, adding a bit here and there in rounds, until Ms. Edgeworth turned serious.

“All jokes aside, if you give yourself permission to love my beautiful beast, Gordon can teach you a lot about love, and the general idea of love. Loving him will remind you of the general idea of love, just to love something, and he might help you revive those feelings of completion that your relationship with Faith Anderson provided.”

“Okay, but,” I said, “but, I can’t express to you how much this is not me. I have no problem with dogs, the idea that people love them, or anything of that nature, but I am not a dog guy. I am not a cat guy, a goldfish guy, or a pet guy in general. My family had a couple of dogs when I was young, but I never bonded with them the way kids do. That’s not normal. I know it’s not normal, and I knew it then. It’s not that I have a problem with animals. I don’t loathe them, and I am not afraid of them. They are just not for me.”

“The first thing we’ll have to do is establish a link,” she said to proactively end our discussion. “Gordon needs to establish a harmonious balance with anyone with whom he is going to work, and he does this with a lick to the face.” Ms. Edgeworth wasn’t looking as good as she had that Tuesday, but she was always on. She wasn’t one of those who rely on makeup, but she knew how to use makeup to accentuate as opposed to coverup blemishes, which I didn’t know if she had any. Regardless, the woman was always persuasive, and she used her persuasive manipulation to ending my indecisiveness.  

“That is the primary reason I’ve never had anything more than a passing relationship with a dog,” I said. “I understand the need to link. I do, but a lick to the face? I’ve fed dogs special treats in the foyer of their home, per their owners’ instructions, I’ve avoided eye contact with them until shaking hands with them, and I’ve pet numerous dogs until they were comfortable enough with me to leave me alone. But, but, I’ve never been keen on licks to the face.”

The very idea of anyone, or anything, licking my face repulses me, and I have had to restrain myself on those rare occasions when a friend’s dog would sneak in a lick of my arm or leg. It’s just a leg or an arm, I think to coach myself down, but I am unable to control my emotions when a dog licks me in the face. I’ve lost control, I’ve yelled things, and I probably made a fool out of myself, but it’s very traumatic to me. I don’t know if I have some deep-rooted psychological issue, or if it’s just so disgusting to me that I can’t control my reaction, but I consider a lick to the face an affront every bit as personal as a slap to the face.

I told Ms. Edgeworth this, all of it, and it confused her. Even after all of our counselling sessions, the facts of my being confused this woman. She informed me that to Gordon, a lick was the equivalent to a handshake, and that the two of us wouldn’t be able to work together, unless I allowed Gordon at least one lick. I don’t know if the dilemma at hand absorbed me, but I swear I saw a plea in Gordon’s face, as she said this.

“If your aversion to licking is that intense,” Ms. Edgeworth said, “he does have one alternative. You can allow him to sniff either your crotch or your backside.”

“No, I cannot permit that.”

“It’s up to you, of course, but we have to find a way for the two of you to bond, on Gordon’s terms of course.” She cut me off with the tail end, before I could list my reasons why that was unacceptable to me too. 

Faced with this alternative, I decided to let Gordon lick my face. As traumatic as a lick might be to me, I thought it might prove less traumatic than voluntarily placing my crotch in front of the dog. I’ve never tried to get a dog to sniff my crotch before, but I suspected that it would require numerous attempts as the dog likely wouldn’t know what I was trying to do at first. As a person who never owned a dog before, I also wondered if they ever smelled something in a human’s anus or crotch that they found so unattractive that they didn’t want to progress. After everything I’d been through with mothers fearing me because of my Scorpio aura, and Faith rejecting me, I didn’t think my fragile ego could take another rejection, especially one coming from a dog.

As I neared Gordon, the humiliation of physically begging Gordon to lick me was such that I thought I made the wrong choice. Gordon and I looked each other in the eye for a second, before I could twist a cheek for him to lick, and I swear I saw a ‘what are we doing here?’ look on his face. How does a person get a dog to lick them on the face, I wondered. How do we clue him into what we’re doing here, and is he purposely not licking me, because he doesn’t like something about me? It felt like a rejection, when Gordon didn’t immediately lick my cheek, and I nearly backed out with a ‘this is just too stupid’ reaction. I wondered if I should move my cheek closer to him, or pet him.

“He doesn’t know what you’re doing,” Mrs. Edgeworth said. “He isn’t … here,” she said grabbing my head and positioning it better. Gordon still didn’t lick. She placed me into a third position, and I couldn’t help but think Ms. Edgeworth was either enjoying this, or documenting it for a joke later.  

When finally Gordon licked me, a part of me expected a spiritual connection to develop, but this was no simple swipe of a tongue. This full-fledged, pore-penetrating lick led me to believe I may have lost some layers of skin in the process. The tongue on this massive beast was the width of four of my fingers put together. My recollections of this lick occur in slow motion, and I imagined that it took a full five seconds, though I know it only lasted a second. The saliva of the Newfoundland is renowned for its near-gelatinous quality, but what I felt on my face reminded me of the congealed substance that the alien in the movie Alien had dripping from its mouth. I immediately moved to scrub my face raw to rid myself of what I assumed might disfigure my face, but Ms. Edgeworth stopped me.

“Don’t wipe it off yet,” Ms. Edgeworth said. “Not until he looks away, anyway,” she cautioned.

Gordon’s sad eyes stayed on me for an elongated period, until he looked at Ms. Edgeworth. I took that occasion to begin wiping it off, and I was in the process of sprinting to the bathroom to begin scrubbing when she squealed:

“He likes you.” Whatever she saw in Gordon’s face affirmed her hope we would get along, and she was giddy. She was clapping. “You’re in!” I heard her say before I closed the bathroom door behind me.

When Ms. Edgeworth convinced me that the initial lick was often all Gordon needed, and that he wasn’t a licker, I retained Gordon’s services for the next weekend. I signed up for a night shift on Friday, the day shift on Saturday, and a short day shift on Sunday.

I was a little skeptical, seeing as how I was, in essence, paying Ms. Edgeworth to babysit her dog for a weekend while she engaged in an active social life, but the next Scorpio Man group session I attended before my first session with Gordon quelled those fears. One Scorpio Man sang the praises of ESA program in general, and Gordon in particular. He said that Gordon was a loving dog who sought constant companionship, and he said that feeding, watering, and walking Gordon also provided a sense of responsibility that distracted him from his pain in life. Another man, a short, overweight fella echoed those sentiments and said everyone’s affection for Gordon in a city park, helped him deal with his fear of crowds. A final Scorpio Man, from Ms. Edgeworth’s sessions, stood up and detailed for the group how Gordon gave him the courage to make a clean break from organized religion. I wasn’t sure how valid these claims were, but I sensed that these men believed what they were saying. I couldn’t help but feel awed by such claims, and I looked forward to witnessing my own progress in this regard.

When Gordon began whimpering at my table, in a Denny’s, that first night, I tore off a bite of my sandwich and fed it to him. When he whimpered more, I gave him another, larger one. I thought the dog was begging in a rather aggressive manner, and even though I considered him a nice dog with a sweet disposition, he intimidated me too. As the dog continued to wolf down all of the food I gave him, I began calculating how much it would cost me to keep this enormous dog fed when he finally stopped the embarrassing whimpering, and began walking around in small, tight circles. I thought he was searching for a comfortable place to rest.

I’ve never owned a pet as an adult, as I said, and I never paid much attention to those who did. If a conversation about dogs arose among my friends, I would tune them out until they switched subjects. I write this to illustrate how foreign a dog’s characteristics and routines are to me. If the others in the restaurant knew these patterns of behavior better than I did, and they said nothing, it was on them when Gordon proceeded to arch his back and lower his bottom to dispense extraneous nutrients. I, honestly, didn’t know what was going on, until it was too late.

I wouldn’t call the sounds the other patrons at Denny’s made shrieks or screams, but they made sounds of disgust when Gordon began responding to his biological needs after I failed to do so. After those sounds ended, the giggles of younger people at a nearby table were the only sounds to hear. I was embarrassed when I saw the source of the commotion, but what could I do? How does one stop a dog, once they’ve started the process? I was so embarrassed, looking out on the patrons, and I decided to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Two patrons stood up, their meal half-eaten, and left the restaurant without paying.

“Excuse me sir,” the server said. “I believe your dog has gone to the bathroom on our carpet.”

“I know,” I said. “And I’m sorry. I am sorry!” I called the latter out to the remaining patrons.

“Ok, but we’re going to have to ask you to clean it up,” he said.

I showed the server the evaluation that Ms. Edgeworth provided in my therapy letter. I showed him Gordon’s registration card, and I informed him that I didn’t think cleaning up after Gordon would be conducive to my therapeutic progress. “I’m a man born under the astrological sign of the Scorpio, during Pluto’s once-in-a-lifetime transiting influence.” I said. I thought that would bring clarity to our discussion.

The server gave me that look that I detailed in my first testimonial, and I could feel my therapy begin to regress under the weight of that look.

“You brought the dog in sir,” the server concluded. “It’s your responsibility to clean up after it.”

“I am sorry,” I said, “but I can’t. I am sorry!” I called the latter out to the patrons.”

The server consulted his manager, who promptly left the stand at the front of the restaurant, went to the bathroom to retrieve some toilet paper, and scooped up Gordon’s offense.

I informed Ms. Maria Edgeworth how much stress that whole ordeal caused me, and she decided that we needed to explore the benefits of her Eastern Medicine cabinet. We tried this before, of course, and I was dubious about their medicinal properties. I also informed her that I considered them too expensive for my budget.

“I understand,” Ms. Maria Edgeworth said, “but at this point, a better question may be can you afford not to?”

Ms. Edgeworth was an excellent Natural Psychologist. She administered to my needs, throughout the years of our professional relationship, in a manner that suggested that she cared about me, as a person. She listened to everything I had to say, she offered me advice, and she was a patient steward of my life. I write this disclaimer, based on her reaction to my claim that Gordon did me more harm than good. Her claim that I needed to pursue the pharmacology of Eastern Medicine was so, how should I say this, urgent. She even allowed me to pay her in installments, on a timetable, and she never did before. She placed me on a timetable for taking these drugs, saying that I needed to do something to help me get past the trauma Faith’s breakup caused me. The prospect of doing nothing, and its probable effect on my progress prompted me to say that I would do some research on that which she prescribed. I didn’t even want to do that, but I was in pain, and I wanted that to end as quickly as possible.

I had that itemized list of medicines before me, off to the left of my laptop. I was involved in research on the medicinal properties of the drugs on that list, and I had already checked three off as medicine I considered conducive to progress. As a person who lives paycheck-to-paycheck, with various other bills and whatnot, I calculated that I would not even be able to make the installments Ms. Edgeworth set up for me without making some sacrifices. I thought I would have to cancel my most expensive streaming service, and I went to my company’s website to see if they had overtime available. They did, and I entered the amount of hours I thought I would need, and all I had to do was click the enter button and my next two weekends would be gone. I was reluctant to hit that button, of course, as I enjoyed my weekends, but I knew it had to do something. With the blinking cursor in the blank, I surfed around on the net through all of the news websites I normally read, and that’s when I stumbled upon the miracle.

It started with a simple, little link on one of those news aggregators. The link to this story read, “NASA changed all of the Astrological Signs, and I’m a Crab Now.” I read this article with all of the interest I read any news article. The article didn’t move me in anyway, at first. I read three to four other articles, as I do on otherwise boring evenings, until I started thinking about the import of the article, and how it might apply to me. It didn’t seem to apply to me, and it did at the same time. My confusion was such that I surfed back to the article, and I couldn’t find it. Then I did, and I reread it about four or five times. The confusion slowly progressed to some feelings of euphoria, which were just as confusing. It seemed odd that after 3,000 years of study that everything could just change like that. It seemed so arbitrary. It seemed like a spoof.

I’ve fallen for so many online stories before that I learned to seek out primary sources. I went up to the title of the article. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a piece from The Onion, or some other spoof news site. I went to an independent search engine and entered the words, “NASA changes Astrology”. I took a deep breath, I hit enter, and one of the first posts listed was a link on the previous article from a kid’s site called NASASpacePlace. It appeared as a kiddie information page will, but it also appeared to confirm the declarations made by what I worried might be spoof pieces. Rereading this, and reading again that it was from NASA, I realized that it was a page designed for kids, but various lines on the site suggested that it was from NASA. I clicked on links on the page and searched the various authoritative names listed on the site to verify that they worked for NASA. As excited as I was, I tried to remain skeptical. I tried to determine how anyone could consider this anything but primary source information. I watched YouTube discussions on the matter. I watched news clips from local and national broadcasts. By the time I read this information, it was days old, and several outlets had secondary information on it. 

That idea that this piece was from NASA should’ve been sufficient. After everything I had been through, however, I couldn’t achieve a sense of confirmation that brought me peace, until I had overwhelming evidence of the fact that everything had changed.

I felt free. I felt peaceful and fair-minded. I clicked out of my company’s website without signing up for overtime, and I kept my streaming service. I felt like a balanced man who seeks the cooperation his fellow men and women are more than willing to offer. I felt more diplomatic, and gracious. I felt like a social man who no longer needed the accompaniment of a dog in a Denny’s restaurant. I felt like a Libra man.

Here are the facts I attained from exhaustive searches, for those suffering from anything close to what I’ve experienced. NASA decided to do the math on the astronomy put forth by the Babylonians, and they discovered that there are 13 constellations in the original zodiac, and that the Babylonians arbitrarily left 13th constellation, Ophiucus, off because they already created a 12-month calendar, and they apparently didn’t want to go through the messy details of correcting that error. Other sites confirmed the fact that NASA, and the astrology community as a whole, have known about the Ophiuchus constellation, and arbitrary calculations of the Babylonians for years. I enter this for the sole purpose of refuting the use of the term discovered, as if the use of that term pertains to something that they just found to be true. They didn’t recently find it, most of the articles detail, they’ve known about it for decades. They also detailed that:

“The sky has shifted because the Earth’s axis (North Pole) doesn’t point in quite the same direction that it once did.

“The constellations are different sizes and shapes,” NASA furthered. “So the Sun spends different lengths of time lined up with each one. The line from Earth through the Sun points to Virgo for 45 days, but it points to Scorpius for only 7 days. To make a tidy match with their 12-month calendar, the Babylonians ignored the fact that the Sun actually moves through 13 constellations, not 12. Then they assigned each of those 12 constellations equal amounts of time. Besides the 12 familiar constellations of the zodiac, the Sun is also aligned with Ophiuchus for about 18 days each year.”

“What took them so long?” I whispered to myself. Why did NASA decide to come forward with this information now? How long did they wait? When did the Earth’s shift become apparent? At what point did the manipulation of the Babylonians become mathematically apparent and how long was NASA sitting on this information? I’m speculating here, but something tells me that one of the reasons that NASA listed the excuse that “Astronomy is not Astrology” is that they knew the chaos this would cause so many people. Something tells me that the men and women of NASA sat around boardrooms trying to figure out a way to reveal their findings, but they didn’t have the courage to come out with this information sooner. If they had come out with this sooner, and the article said they knew about this error 3,000 years ago, they could’ve eased my suffering a lot sooner.

One answer I found is that we live on, and I quote, “a wobbly earth”.

“This wobble, a phenomenon called precession, has altered the position of the constellations we see today.”

This begs the question, what defines a person? Some say parents are the individuals who best help define a person, and that extended family and friends are almost as influential. Other suggest that class and the location of one’s maturity are other mitigating factors, as in a person born in Saint Louis is probably going to view the world in a fundamentally different way than a person born ten hours away in small town, Kansas. Those who I listened to for too many years said, in a roundabout manner, that a person born under the Sagittarius ecliptic, for example, is going to be the same whether they were born in the depths of poverty, in a third world country, or in the richest cities of the richest nations on earth, until, apparently, the Earth wobbles.

One of the unfortunate characteristics of the Libra Man that I’ve known for so long is that we do hold grudges. As a newfound Libra Man, I would like to direct my first official grudge at the Babylonians. They developed the 12-month calendar, and they wanted their constellations to match that calendar, so they arbitrarily picked a constellation, Ophiuchus, to leave off and thus match that calendar. I’m quite sure that if they knew that this calendar, and its accompanying listing of the Sun’s movement, would last 3,000 years, they might have reconsidered leaving one constellation out, but my question is why did it take so long for modern man to make this correction? Do those who decided to wait have any sympathy for those Scorpio Men who have suffered for so long? We’ve been through personal and financial hell because of their delay, to prove that the Mars the god of war and Pluto the god of the underworld didn’t rule us, and that no dark forces ruled some part of our nature.

I don’t care what it is, any time something earth shattering of this nature arises true believers will say something to account for these changes. They say that they knew all along, that there are different kinds of astrology, and that it’s more a reading of relationships between stars, planets and other heavenly bodies than it is a direct reading of a person’s nature through the stars. It was for this reason that Ms. Edgeworth proclaimed that I was making a mistake by firing her, and “that would be only be fully realized over time.”

“Did you read the latest NASASpacePlace post?” I asked her over the phone. She said she had. “Then you know,” I said with less confidence. “Everything has changed.”

“Nothing has changed,” she said, adding my name to the tail end of that sentence. “NASA works from a Sidereal Zodiac, which is different from the Tropical Zodiac that you and I have been working from in your therapy. The Tropical Zodiac has not changed. There is a huge difference between Astronomy and Astrology. Astronomers have known about the differences between the two studies and the 13th constellation since about 100 B.C. It’s been rumored for a year that NASA would be evaluating the findings of astronomers from the Minnesota Planetarium Society found regarding the moon’s gravitational pull on Earth, and the affect it had on the alignment of the stars.”

“Okay,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell the rest of us? Why did you lead some of us to believe that astrology was based, in part, on a science consistent with astronomy?”

“As I’ve always said,” she said. Before I list what Ms. Edgeworth added here, let me add that she didn’t always say what she said here. As a student of modern politics, I’ve always been suspicious of the as I’ve always said line, because it’s a line politicians use when they’ve never said such things. It’s their preferred way of covering for the fact that they’ve always been inconsistent or vague on an issue, until that issue proved detrimental to their campaign, their tenure in office, or their party’s position on an issue. Saying as I’ve always said is the politician’s method of trying to convince everyone to forget that they’ve never been clear on the issue in question. I don’t think Ms. Edgeworth was lying to me, but I do think there was a touch of desperation in her attempts to persuade me. She also concluded the next paragraph by saying my name, and whenever I hear someone say my name in a repetitive manner, I suspect that they are trying to make a deep, personal connection to help me avoid the central theme of our discussion. 

“Astrology is geocentric,” was her answer. “It involves the children of earth, and the mother of nature, and the dramatic effects of her seasons. It’s also been in place since Ptolemy first made calculations on the Zodiac for Tropical, or Western astrology. This strain of the zodiac is not affected by NASA’s recalibration.”

“Then why have a number of publications decided to publish new star dates based on NASA’s findings?” I asked. “And before you dismiss the publications, let me add that I’ve seen these publications sitting in your waiting area.”

When she answered this question, I thought again, about what a beautiful woman Ms. Edgeworth is. Ms. Edgeworth is a very smart person, with a rich vocabulary, and a person who should have received an honorary degree in persuasion, but she is also extremely beautiful. The reason the latter mattered to me so much is that in my plight to find happiness, I believed everything she said. And before you crush me under your heel for blindly believing the beautiful, let me ask you how many of you blindly believe the beautiful in movies, TV shows, and ad campaigns? If they found some schlub to air their wares, how many of you would say, but he’s a little chubby, and he needs a shave? How many provocateurs have been able to convince us to summarily dismiss another provocateur because he’s fat, or maybe he should put the ding dongs down before he goes on the air? I’ve heard professional broadcasters dismiss complaints about them always seeking out beautiful correspondents by saying, “It’s a visual medium.”

We not only believe them, we want to believe them, because some part of us wants to be them, or be with them. I believed every proclamation, every diagnosis, and every prescription she provided for what ailed me, because I wanted to believe her. I also thought about the urgency she displayed when the experiment with Gordon fell through, and how quickly she tried to get me on pharmaceuticals, with a scheduled payment timetable. Our relationship was such that I had no reason to be skeptical, but I couldn’t help but think that she knew I, and all of her clientele, would read this NASA report, and that that report might do some damage to her business. I knew I was regarding Mrs. Edgeworth in a manner that might’ve been unfair, but while she spoke, I considered the idea that she wanted me to pay her as much money as I could before I heard about this NASA report.

Even as I was considering Mrs. Edgeworth’s actions in the most cynical manner possible, I didn’t want to believe any of it. I wanted to believe she was so beautiful that she knew a secret password, or handshake, to the world of beautiful women, as she had with my ex-girlfriend Faith. I thought she could tell me something I missed. I began to wonder, as she continued to answered my question, if her appearance had been bland, and she was slightly overweight, if I would’ve spent years, and as much money as I had, in our professional relationship. She did answer every question I had, sort of. She answered me bold in some areas, but in others, she deflected, obfuscated, and outright avoided my question.

“I’ve decided to go another way,” I said when she finally finished.

“Okay, I understand,” she said, “but I want you to understand that it is possible that not only will we lose any progress we’ve made together, but you might regress.”

“I understand that,” I said, “and I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but I think it’s in my best interests to pursue other avenues.”

“I-I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, again mentioning my name. She sounded so sad. There were tears in her voice. She sounded like a jilted lover, and that hurt. That hurt me. My resolve, in the silence that followed, nearly broke. I wanted to be happy, but I also wanted her to be happy. She was, is, and always will be a nice person, and this hold she had on me was difficult to break.

I knew I never had unusual inclinations to murder, a dark side if you will, and these feelings have now been borne out. I knew that that designation was not correct when it came to me. I believed that it was as unfair as suggesting that all Italians have fiery tempers, and all Irish drink massive amounts of beer, but the people around me believed these things about the Scorpion Man, and they convinced me that I needed to expunge something from my being.

I contemplated suing NASA for the delays they had in coming forth with this information that cost me thousands of dollars. I asked a lawyer friend of mine what he thought, and he said, “Well, I would not take such a case, but if you really want to pursue this, and I would recommend that you do not, I will set you up with another lawyer who specializes in these types of cases. My concern is that whatever money you have left, after your episode, will probably be gone after this lawsuit is over, and I highly doubt you’ll be satisfied with the result.” I told him it might be worth it, however, just to go through the discovery phase of a trial to learn what information NASA had and when. When did they discover the purposeful error on the part of the Babylonians, and when did they decide to make this information public? How much money have I, and others, spent in the interim, trying to convince the world that while all of us have dark sides, the dark side of the supposed Scorpio Man is no more prominent than any others?

I decided not to pursue a case and focus all of my attention on the idea that I’m free now. I don’t care what excuses Astrologists conjure up. I know nothing about Astronomy and Astrology, and I honestly don’t care. My desperation to be something better led me to believe in something I now consider exposed as an arbitrary study. Writers of horoscopes may not uniquely tailor them to apply to every individual reading them, as the Forer Effect suggests, and Astrology might have some science to it, but I am free of those concerns. I no longer have to lie about the Sun’s positioning at the time of my birth. I can feel comfortable, for the first time in my life, about my celestial phenomenon in relation to my Sun’s positioning. I feel free to look people in the eye again. I no longer have to endure expensive and intensive Scorpio Evolvement sessions, and Ms. Maria Edgeworth’s group sessions with those of us suffering from Male Scorpion debilities. I have been able to fire Ms. Maria Edgeworth, and all of her expensive and extensive treatments, and the stars now consider me a man of balance, a Libra Man, thanks to NASA. I do have some empathy for those few who are still under the Scorpio classification, though they have narrowed Scorpio date range to less than a week, November 23 to November 29. This is largely a good thing, as I don’t wish any of the confusion and the feelings of inferiority on any other man, but I am no longer one of them. I am Libra Man.

If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy the stories that led up to it:

Scorpio Man

Scorpio Man II